Free of Angst

I am. I feel like I've gotten over that shit. I am at peace with the World. I enjoy feeling, the good bad, the ugly and the sublime. I'm not mad at anybody.

This is awesome! We absolutely are NOT all fucked! Life is beautiful! and at the same time tragic!

It really is, so feel it!

One eyed Odin only sees with his left brain

I used to channel Odin in my drawings as a kid, I would draw these old Battle scarred one eyed Warriors, with long beards, much like this.

I Connected with my Spirit

I connected with my Spirit the other day. I have connected with other people's Spirits. Our Spirits are perfect and very powerful. I am struggling with making sense of various models. Soul/Spirit/Self, higher self, etc.

So much weird powerful shit has been going on in my life lately in relation to this girl I recently met. I want to maintain an bit of a barrier of privacy. But there is heavy, heavy Karma between us.

So anyway, I am not 100% sure of what the difference is between our Soul and our Spirit. But I think Spirit and Higher self are analogous.

Anyway, I got a really strong glimpse into my Higher self. I found the following article helpful in sorting this out:

Solar and Lunar Spirituality and the loss and return of the World Soul

Solar mythology reflects an immense change in human consciousness, the formulation of an entirely new perception of life, one where, as technology advances, nature becomes something to be controlled and manipulated by human ingenuity, to human advantage. It had a dramatic influence on Greek, Hebrew, Persian and Christian cultures. The imagery of opposition and conflict between light and darkness, good and evil pervades the Old Testament and other mythologies. As people move to cities and cities become states, and as more and more men are conscripted into armies which obey a warrior leader, the cosmic battle is increasingly projected into the world: a fascination with conquest and dominance possesses the psyche and leads to the creation of vast empires (Assyrian, Persian, Greek, Roman). It is as if the heroic human ego, identified with the solar hero, has to seek out new territories to conquer, has to embody the myth in a literal sense. The terminology of conquest and dominance still influences our own modern culture with its focus on the conquest of nature, of space, of our enemies. It is as if we have been conditioned by this powerful mythology to think only in oppositional terms – victory or defeat - never in terms of dialogue and reconciliation.

Solar mythology is, above all, the story of the heroic individual. In the West, it has been the driving inspiration behind the Promethean quest for freedom, justice, knowledge and power. A major theme of solar myth is escape from the bondage of the body and ascent to the light and, by association, release from the bondage of mortality and ascent to spiritual enlightenment. In the West, we find it first in Plato in his metaphor of the cave. It carries with it the human longing to go beyond all constraints and limitations, to reach higher, progress further, discover more. It is overwhelmingly male because the male psyche has been the dominant influence in many cultures over some 4000 years and it is the achievements and discoveries of exceptional men which have inspired other men. A strong sense of self and a focused ego, that was ultimately identified with the conscious, rational mind, can be acknowledged as the supreme achievement of the male psyche during this solar era. But the voice of women who were denied access to education, the priesthood and the healing profession was silenced.

So my Spirit is very very Solar. I mean hard core. I have the spirit if this really old really tired Warrior, like an old tired King From a long line of warriors that conquered the World and grew really weary from it.

Real lack of Female energy there. Totally Apollonian and not Dionysian at all. Bishop, Judge, Massive Land owner, Celibate. Totally Autocratic and Warlike. Self Righteous, Terrifying.

Its been hard for me to get past this really heavy Karma.

So, anyway, I came back to Earth to find some healing and balance from this. Early on I knew what I wanted and what I came for.

Our essence is strong before we are seven years old. So what was I into?

Nature

Drawing

Beautiful women

So what did I do when I was 18? I joined the Army.

Then when I was 21 I became sexually Chaste and gave up drawing and dedicated myself to training for the ministry. I married a woman I wasn't in love with. I wanted to have sex, so I chose a thin, severe, practical rigid woman, based on the qualities I thought would be valuable as a wife on the Mission field.

So I failed at that, dropped out of Bible College due to marital problems got excommunicated and divorced.

So that's good.

The Kingfisher

I have been seeing one that looks like this everyday by the sound.

Luciferian in a past life

I had an enormous ego in a past life. That is why I have a large head. Rudolf Steiner talked about this. Humankind's erect posture and large cranium is connected to the influence of Lucifer.

Gothic Cathedrals are very Luciferian, The last time I walked the Earth, I built a Gothic Cathedral that still stands today.

As a Bishop, I fought in the Battle of Hastings and carried a baculum, which I used to exhort troops to battle, and like Bishop Odo, I was not above brandishing it as a weapon. Baculum is also the word for the penis bone found in many mammals. I was a Celibate Bishop who commanded and literally beat people with a Phallic symbol that represented the power and Wrath of God.

I believe the actor that plays the Character of Viktor in Underworld is channeling an archetype that I embodied in this past life. Its an archetype that is very ancient and needs to be dredged up as if from "the Underworld" but in the 11th century it was not underground. This energy ruled England and the known World. I was also a Judge.

These lyrics to "Viva la Vida by coldplay really resonate with me for obvious reasons:

I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own

I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing
"Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!"

One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand

I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field

For some reason I can't explain
Once you go there was never
Never an honest word
And that was when I ruled the world

It was the wicked and wild wind
Blew down the doors to let me in
Shattered windows and the sound of drums
People couldn't believe what I'd become

Revolutionaries wait
For my head on a silver plate
Just a puppet on a lonely string
Oh who would ever want to be king?

I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field

For some reason I can't explain
I know Saint Peter won't call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world

I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field

For some reason I can't explain
I know Saint Peter won't call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world"

Its interesting that in this life, I've been broke and worked as a manual laborer and other entry level jobs most of my life.

I am also generally really gentle with people and have worked as a care giver to people with developmental disabilities. I also find it ironic that I was ex-communicated for heresy from a Christian church.

All in all though I don't sense I have negative Karma from this past life. I believe I accomplished what I was supposed to accomplish and learned what I was supposed to learn. I believe I died in peace and spent my time between incarnations in a very Holy peaceful place. I dwelled in a thin rare, exhalted air like the air high in the energy vortex of a Cathedral Vault, or also like the air high up in the trees of an old growth Birch forest, in a pure cool light.

I chose to descend down into the underworld in order to experience the love of a woman. A woman of the Earth.

My journey is that of balancing polarities, for example the Apollonian and Dionysian. Finding the Golden mean. Empowering others to express their Truth. I know this probably all seems pretty over the top.

Its my myth.

My Basic Make-Up

I have an outward personality that is very polite and sweet and friendly. Little kids, dogs, old people, instinctively trust me. I, also, get hit up by pan handlers more than most people. For example, if a pan handler is standing on a street corner soliciting everyone who walks by obviously as I walk by they will ask me as well, but often I observe them selectively asking people for change. They always seem to consider me a good person to ask. This annoys me, because I am actually a poor prospect to ask, because I almost never give them any money. I know nearly all are substance abusers. I don't feel the need to donate money to the local drug dealer, or liquor store.

This is how I see drug addicts pan-handling for money: I see them as victims of black magic. They are zombies out on the street gathering money for dark magicians who have put them under a spell.

So, naive, I am not.

But these pan-handling zombies, are still human beings, with a knack for reading people and they read me a kind hearted person.

While hitch hiking through, Alaska and the Yukon, I got many rides from people getting this same reading on me. One travelling, Native American Evangelist, even told me I look like I live a clean life.

Which is interesting, because I just had smoked a bunch of weed and gotten drunk a couple days before.

I guess its true for the most part though. Its not like I am an alcoholic or a pot head. I tend to excessively indulge in intoxicating substances in moderation. That is I will get drunk or high, once in a while. I can easily do without, and usually do. Just like, I will occasionally enjoy a good cigar, or several, every few months.

I'm 38 and occasionally still get carded, not only by people who card everyone, but by people who suspect I am actually under 21.

I guess I look pretty darn innocent.

I have strong inhibitions. Doctors have a hard time getting a reflex out of me. I am too in control of my knees, apparently, to allow them to act simply according to reflex. One doctor, had me do something with my hands, to distract my mind, and was thus able to get a normal response from tapping my knees, otherwise they don't move.

This outwardly friendly innocent looking dude, that people pick up on, in their initial impression of me, is a powerful gate-keeper that exerts control over my being with an iron fist.

This is my ego construct/self image/persona. This is the aspect of me that is the result of choices I have made as well as societal conditioning.

In opposition to the polite, friendly, gatekeeper, is my shadow self. This is composed of the choices I have not made, the qualities of my self that have been there, but have not been expressed.

As I have entered middle age, my shadow has increasingly exerted itself, and put pressure on me to express it. This has come out in my writing on various blogs I have had, But it wants more expression.

So far my persona has maintained the upper hand, otherwise I would be living more like Tyler Durden. Of course, I am much more like Tyler Durden, than I was 5 years ago. I am no longer a henpecked Republican, Evangelical Christian. I just spent a year living as a drifter, hitchiking all over North America, surviving by my wits and the kindness of strangers. I have been drawing and experimenting with psychedelic drugs.

I have been chasing beautiful girls. I can't seem to seal the deal however. I haven't sex since I separated from my wife 5 years ago. In some sense I am afraid of sex. In a way this is rational. Sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancy are a reality. But then again, life itself is a disease from which we all will eventually succumb. There is actually nowhere safe in this world. A life well lived entails danger and risk. No sense in recklessly bringing bad consequences into my life if it can be avoided, however. But, Am I really scared of STDs and pregnancy though? I do have condoms. If anything is illustrative of my sex life, its that I have 5 year old, unused Magnum condoms that I used last time I had sex with my wife. I have a lot left in the box.

I Think, what I am really scared of, is losing myself, intoxicated totally by the Body mind and soul of a beautiful woman. I also know, that I have a vulnerable heart. I have a tendency to fall in love and be really loyal.

What kind of women am I attracted to? I am attracted to women that appeal to my shadow self. Intelligent bad girls with tattoos, in touch with their bodies and sexuality and usually who smoke. I am drawn to dark and mysterious women. Not, just any woman with piercings and tattoos however, because in this day and age of decadent Western Civilization, these are a fairly common type. I am talking about a '10' with a really high IQ and who is also very spiritual.

This is what I want and I suspect it will be a hard thing to pull off:

I want a reformed bad girl to fall in love with me. After romance has been sparked followed by a fairly long courtship, we will have passionate sex for the rest of our lives as we pursue the Divine and create beautiful works of art together. I really don't want casual sex. I want a strong sexual connection that involves body, mind and spirit. I believe this can only be had within a committed relationship. I want to fall in love and be loved.

There are aspects of the shadow that should remain in the shadow, such as unbridled violence and impulsive sex.

But life is not so cut and dry. Things aren't perfect. Life is not fair. Since life is unfair, playing by the rules and always endeavouring to do the "right" thing holds no automatic promise of reward

There is a lion asleep in my heart and he knows what I want.

Might as well try to be awesome

If you were the lamest person in the world and you came up with an idea of what it would be like to be awesome, you should, totally go for it.

I mean what else is there really? Simply beginning the journey is liberative and transforming.

Say, you didn't know how to dance and then you tried to learn. Initially you would improve by 100% just by trying.

Say you want to date beautiful women. Just start talking to them. Right there your chances improve by possibly much more than 100%. You are self selecting. You are ranking yourself.

Say you want to learn how to fight and begin to train. Right there you kick on DNA programming that was laying dormant. You will awaken abilities you didn't know you had. Once again initially you will improve by 100%.

This is Nobility. No guts no glory. Fortune favours the bold.

All this entails risk. All of this entails pain. Which you will have anyway, regardless.

Joe Rogan is a kindred Spirit/phenotype

Check this article out:

Joe Rogan at the zoo

I could have written that. I have had all those thoughts at one time. We have a lot in common, Joe Rogan and I. People that know me have a hard time reconciling my love for eclectic Spirituality, the UFC and...uh...how should I say? South Park and Dave Chappelle type comedy? Is that "off color" comedy? I mean I think its brilliant. I like comedy that is composed of brilliant cultural commentary mixed with fart jokes, or preferably queef jokes. Extreme violence is good too, in comedy.

If you have just seen "Fear Factor" you don't know the whole story. Joe is deeper than that. He is really into Terrence Mckenna style experimentation with Psychadedelics and things like that. He has had some pretty deep spiritual insights.Maybe some type of Genetic determinism has caused us to have similar insights. Or maybe having a similar Phenotype causes you to have similar interests and arrive at similar conclusions.

I do notice one thing: A lot of intellectual people into spirituality, are kind of skinny. Skinny and introverted.

There is a theory about that where peoples builds influences their personality. So it would stand to reason that two people that are the same size and build, say a fairly muscular 5'8" would have a similar personality. Plus another weird thing is until recently, we both had deviated septums.

In Eastern religions breathing is very important and related to consciousness. Mouth breathing all the time while pursuing spirituality may have warped us in a similar way.


Anyway, its kind of a red blooded, working class, yet fairly intellectually sophisticated and "out there" spirituality we have in common, combined with baudy andjuvenile,yet smart sense of humor, and a fascination with violence and also conspiracy theories involving aliens.

Another writer that comes to mind (Is Joe a Writer?) is Jack London. Jack London was also a rather "red blooded" intellectual. Was he possibly rather mesomorphic and fairly short?

He does seem to have a similar facial structure. The interesting thing about Jack London is that he was an autodidact, that lived as a tramp and a pirate and eventually became a successful writer, a novelist and also an essayist.

Here are some quotes by a review of Jack London's writings by George Orwell, from "In Front of Your Nose, 1945-1950 Collected Essays Journalism and Letters of George Orwell":

"He was a writer who excelled in describing cruelty, whose main theme, indeed, was the cruelty, of Nature; or at any rate the cruelty of contemporary life. He was also an extremely variable writer, much of whose work was written hurriedly and under low pressure; and he had in him a strain of feeling, which Krupskaya is probably right in calling "bourgeois"-at any rate a strain that did not accord with his democratic and socialist convictions."

"but on several points London was right, where nearly all other prophets were wrong, and he was right because of just that strain in his nature that made him a good short story writer and doubtfully reliable socialist...

...London's understanding of the nature of a ruling class--That is the characteristics a ruling class must have if it is to surrvive, went very deep. According to the conventional left wing view the "capitalist" is simply a cynical scoundrel, without honor or courage, intent simply on filling his own pockets. London knew that this view is false. But why, one might justly ask, should this, hurried, sensatalional, in some ways even childish writer have understood that particular thing so much better than his fellow socialists?
The answer is surely that London could forsee fascism because he had a facsist streak within himself: or at any rate a marked brutality and an almost unconquerable preference for the strong man against the weak man. He knew instinctively that American businessmen would fight when their possesions were menaced, becauase in their place he would have fought himself. He was an adventurer and man of action as few writers have ever been. Born into dire poverty, he had already escaped it at sixteen, thanks to his commanding character, and powerful physique; His early years were spent among pirates, gold propectors, tramps and prizefighters, and he was ready to admire toughness wherever he found it. On the other hand he never forgot the sordid mysteries of his childhood, and he never faltered in his loyalty for the exploited classes...His outlook was democratic in that he hated exploitation and hereditary privelidge, and that he felt most at home in the company of people who worked with their hands: But his instinct lay toward an acceptance of a "natural aristocracy" of strength, beauty and talent."

Orwell goes on commenting about How in London's prodigious writings, his conflicting sentiments sometimes kill each other off but at his best they interact. Often he suspends judgement or moral commentary, drawing attention to the fatalistic absurdity of life.

I can really relate to that, because I have a love of nature and empathy for my fellow man, and the ability to see the absurdity and cruelty of life for what it is.

I have noticed Joe Rogan making similar commentary with insights into the minds of elites. You really have to have a knack for understanding how animals think, to understand the ruling class. There is some really primal energy there and a nobility, tempered with cruelty. You have to have kind of an animalistic, yet empathic nature to see it.

But also life is just plain funny and tragic. Anyway I am doing 'shrooms tonight. I'll let you know how it turns out.

How complicated is Sex?

Your DNA programming wants you to make babies. So you carry condoms. You are already at cross purposes with yourself and I haven't even gotten into the social dynamics of the mating game let alone the Spiritual, emotional and intellectual ones.

Fuck you, voice in my head!

Did I just say that out loud?

Themes

1.Cavemen, The pliestocene in general, mega fauna, cave paintings, Neanderthals, Cro-magnon man. The proto-Europeans. Shmanism, animism
2. Reincarnation, past lives
3. Aristocracy, Nobility, geneology
4. Nietzsche
5. Human domestication, modernity
6. Ferality, atavism, reversion to a wild type