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Sunday, November 8, 2009

My Basic Make-Up

I have an outward personality that is very polite and sweet and friendly. Little kids, dogs, old people, instinctively trust me. I, also, get hit up by pan handlers more than most people. For example, if a pan handler is standing on a street corner soliciting everyone who walks by obviously as I walk by they will ask me as well, but often I observe them selectively asking people for change. They always seem to consider me a good person to ask. This annoys me, because I am actually a poor prospect to ask, because I almost never give them any money. I know nearly all are substance abusers. I don't feel the need to donate money to the local drug dealer, or liquor store.

This is how I see drug addicts pan-handling for money: I see them as victims of black magic. They are zombies out on the street gathering money for dark magicians who have put them under a spell.

So, naive, I am not.

But these pan-handling zombies, are still human beings, with a knack for reading people and they read me a kind hearted person.

While hitch hiking through, Alaska and the Yukon, I got many rides from people getting this same reading on me. One travelling, Native American Evangelist, even told me I look like I live a clean life.

Which is interesting, because I just had smoked a bunch of weed and gotten drunk a couple days before.

I guess its true for the most part though. Its not like I am an alcoholic or a pot head. I tend to excessively indulge in intoxicating substances in moderation. That is I will get drunk or high, once in a while. I can easily do without, and usually do. Just like, I will occasionally enjoy a good cigar, or several, every few months.

I'm 38 and occasionally still get carded, not only by people who card everyone, but by people who suspect I am actually under 21.

I guess I look pretty darn innocent.

I have strong inhibitions. Doctors have a hard time getting a reflex out of me. I am too in control of my knees, apparently, to allow them to act simply according to reflex. One doctor, had me do something with my hands, to distract my mind, and was thus able to get a normal response from tapping my knees, otherwise they don't move.

This outwardly friendly innocent looking dude, that people pick up on, in their initial impression of me, is a powerful gate-keeper that exerts control over my being with an iron fist.

This is my ego construct/self image/persona. This is the aspect of me that is the result of choices I have made as well as societal conditioning.

In opposition to the polite, friendly, gatekeeper, is my shadow self. This is composed of the choices I have not made, the qualities of my self that have been there, but have not been expressed.

As I have entered middle age, my shadow has increasingly exerted itself, and put pressure on me to express it. This has come out in my writing on various blogs I have had, But it wants more expression.

So far my persona has maintained the upper hand, otherwise I would be living more like Tyler Durden. Of course, I am much more like Tyler Durden, than I was 5 years ago. I am no longer a henpecked Republican, Evangelical Christian. I just spent a year living as a drifter, hitchiking all over North America, surviving by my wits and the kindness of strangers. I have been drawing and experimenting with psychedelic drugs.

I have been chasing beautiful girls. I can't seem to seal the deal however. I haven't sex since I separated from my wife 5 years ago. In some sense I am afraid of sex. In a way this is rational. Sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancy are a reality. But then again, life itself is a disease from which we all will eventually succumb. There is actually nowhere safe in this world. A life well lived entails danger and risk. No sense in recklessly bringing bad consequences into my life if it can be avoided, however. But, Am I really scared of STDs and pregnancy though? I do have condoms. If anything is illustrative of my sex life, its that I have 5 year old, unused Magnum condoms that I used last time I had sex with my wife. I have a lot left in the box.

I Think, what I am really scared of, is losing myself, intoxicated totally by the Body mind and soul of a beautiful woman. I also know, that I have a vulnerable heart. I have a tendency to fall in love and be really loyal.

What kind of women am I attracted to? I am attracted to women that appeal to my shadow self. Intelligent bad girls with tattoos, in touch with their bodies and sexuality and usually who smoke. I am drawn to dark and mysterious women. Not, just any woman with piercings and tattoos however, because in this day and age of decadent Western Civilization, these are a fairly common type. I am talking about a '10' with a really high IQ and who is also very spiritual.

This is what I want and I suspect it will be a hard thing to pull off:

I want a reformed bad girl to fall in love with me. After romance has been sparked followed by a fairly long courtship, we will have passionate sex for the rest of our lives as we pursue the Divine and create beautiful works of art together. I really don't want casual sex. I want a strong sexual connection that involves body, mind and spirit. I believe this can only be had within a committed relationship. I want to fall in love and be loved.

There are aspects of the shadow that should remain in the shadow, such as unbridled violence and impulsive sex.

But life is not so cut and dry. Things aren't perfect. Life is not fair. Since life is unfair, playing by the rules and always endeavouring to do the "right" thing holds no automatic promise of reward

There is a lion asleep in my heart and he knows what I want.


  1. Sounds like some of this might the Anima peeking her head in. I read a great (and short) article on that recently, that I recommend, especially since you liked that Jung stuff I'd posted recently:

    I my own experience, I've found that these kinds of desires are one of two things. Either, one, "dude, go talk to her" or, two, I have to look into the intent behind that desire.

    "Two" comes up particularly when "one" either fails, or when it would probably still cause problems even if it did work out (if she or I are in another relationship, or coworkers, for example).

    In the case of "two" though, it's not so bad. I find it's a really good opportunity to look into just what that desire is based in. Is there an expectation attached to the desire that the desire should/will remain unfulfilled? Cause that's very obviously self sabotage.

    Or is there some disrespect/objectification at play that I'm not aware of? That's just as much self sabotage, just not as obviously so.

    So yeah, either the desire's there because you should go for it, or it's there as a chance to really do some deep inquiry into where that desire springs from.

    And I find that figuring out what's actually going on in my head can, in the long run, ease the suffering more than getting laid does. :)

  2. Well, I'm beyond talking to her, I am madly hopelessly in love and actually a bit physically run down.

    I know she doesn't read my blog and I feel like talking about this. I actually met a woman that fits the above description to a "T"

    I wrote this when I was wondering if things were ever going to work out, but I now feel more confident.

    The situation is that I met her through my friend. She was my friend's girlfrend. So I guess I am a shitty friend, because I wrote her two love letters while they were going out. I also told her that if I thought it would help I would challenge him to a duel. She really liked that.

    The thing is though she is still kind of screwed up over him, but they broke up. I could tell it wasn't meant to be between them.

    So anyway dude, here is the dynamic: We are leavig the patriarchal iron age of Kali Yuga. Women's spiritual energy is becoming way more powerful. Spiritually oriented women are embodying Goddess energy.

    So, anyway, Fuck celibacy! Its time to worship the Goddess!

  3. Alex Grey has a lot of insights on this. He is very in touch with his sexuality and seems to have a pretty good thing going with his wife.